About mid-June I started gaining some weight and had these weird abdominal pains, I took a test and found out I was pregnant :) It was quite exciting news for us and we started to tell a few friends and family. I felt quite different from my first pregnancy, I felt a bit weird. At the start of July, I started having some spotting and on July 18th I started bleeding profusely and started to miscarry.
Turns out my pregnancy was what is called a blighted ovum, where implantation occurs but a fetus isn’t formed. Since I naturally started to miscarry, I was given pills to ensure the process goes smoothly. I was told I would bleed for a few days and that would be normal. However, in my head I thought I’d bleed for 3-5 days like a heavy period. I was so naive. I bled for a little over ten days and those ten days were horrible. The blood loss was so much, that I was in bed most of the time because I was so weak and tired. I had to keep an eye out for passing out the placenta. When I did, I knew I had to flush it down, and I did. I felt so shitty for doing that. It felt like the worst way to say goodbye to my baby that never was. I cried so much. For days after, I physically could not forget that I had a miscarriage, my body would constantly remind me in various ways. I have shared that my first pregnancy was very rough for me, so this year I tried to get healthy and lost 10lbs before wanting to get pregnant again. In the two months I was pregnant, I gained 12lbs. Now I have to lose all that weight and more to hit my goal weight.
The comments I received during this time were truly epic. I am not unfamiliar with death especially having lost both my parents before the age of 12. However, it infuriates me when people say, hey there is a reason for your loss, or this was God's plan. Shit happens, I know. It’s never God's plan to make you go through tough situation. But God is faithful through every heart break and painful situation. I have seen God being faithful in my life after the loss of my parents. So, going through a miscarriage, I don’t blame God nor do I blame myself. Shit happens. And I know that I am loved and strong to handle this situation. I did try to explain that to the people who mentioned those comments, but they weren't listening. I also had people tell me when I should get pregnant next in the same message of their sympathies for my miscarriage. They have no medical experience either. I wanted to share my story earlier, but these comments made it so hard. It made me sad and angry, and I wanted to be in a better mental space before I could handle more. The comforting comments were I’m sorry for your loss, can I help you in any way. I’m sorry but I don’t know what to say. or a virtual hug.
I thought several times if I should share my story or not, what was the purpose. When I shared my experience of a rough pregnancy and struggles with breastfeeding, I had several women reach out and support me. Several women months later reached out to me when they had a rough pregnancy or they struggled with breast feeding for support. When I needed support, my girlfriends who had a miscarriage became my greatest support. Every time I felt depressed or lost, they shared their struggle.
I also share this because if you know a woman who had a miscarriage, do check in on them. Send them a meal. Check in on her two or three weeks later. I assure you; she is still struggling with it.
I went to the gym three weeks after my miscarriage and I was an emotional wreck. I cried all through my workout. I think it was my release of all my frustration and sadness. I’m still grieving the loss of a baby.
If you've been following my Instagram stories (@amucherian) recently, you would have noticed that I started dressing up every day and I’ve been trying to be creative. This has been my self-care at this time. I realized that my work is truly my happy space. I love being creative and it’s been so good to create and share it. So, thank you for all the love you gave me during his time. Unknowingly you have been supporting me at this time, and I truly deeply appreciate it.
PS: This is the only family photo we took during this pregnancy.