Sharing A Personal Joy

[TW: Pregnancy announcement]

Before I share my story, I need to thank this community of mine that has been such an incredible support and encouragement to me and my family. The messages and comments I received from strangers and friends, giving me the strength to keeping hoping and push forward, is such a huge reason of how I have gotten here today. This community has become my safe space and I could not be more blessed. So I must say, thank You!

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Since the summer of 2020, my husband and I have had the desire to have our second child. Two miscarriages later, a course of fertility meds and intense stress, we were reaching our breaking point by Oct 2021. We were seriously talking about being content with a single child. We took time off from everything and travelled and just enjoyed life for what it was, instead of trying to make it into something else. 

On the first week of Nov, we were advised by my OB to go see a fertility specialist and we spent the week mulling about it. It was the week for me to get my period, and my emotions were all over the place. I could feel the cramps bloating and all those miserable symptoms in my body. I didn’t want to see another negative pregnancy test, so I refused to take one. The night before Diwali, I was absolutely miserable and didn’t speak to anyone in my family. The next morning I decided to just take a pregnancy test because the anticipation and uncertainty of the situation was keeping me from being present or even remotely pleasant to my husband and child.

When the test result came back positive, I was in complete disbelief. I immediately took another test. I didn't know how to comprehend the situation. I got out of the bathroom and ran to John. He was in the midst of the morning hassles of feeding Rachel breakfast, while being a part of a work meeting. For a second, I thought I could wait for him to be done with his meeting and tell him. But I quickly felt we needed to process this shock together. So, I basically shoved the tests in his face and watched his jaw drop to the floor. We both just stared at each other incomplete disbelief.

The truth is the moment we stopped trying is when I got pregnant. We were so intentional and committed to trying to conceive for several months, and nothing worked. And then when we gave up is when it all happened. It's commonly said God works mysterious ways and in his own timing. This has been a prime example of that. 

Everyday I have a fear of things being too good to be true, or I am going to lose the baby. But I keep holding onto the fact that this is a miracle baby that God gifted us. So He has plans for this child and I have zero control over this situation.

The reason why I stayed away from social media though, is right after the ORC challenge got over, I started bleeding. This started Friday evening and we couldn’t see a doctor until Monday morning. I cried so much that weekend, my heart and soul were just broken. I didn’t have the strength to fight anymore. I told 3 girlfriends about it, and asked them to pray for me. And they did. They prayed and demanded for life for my baby. There was so much power in their prayers, it’s so hard to describe. When I went for a scan on Monday morning, my baby was healthy with a strong heart beat and everything looked perfect. It took me a few days to recover from all the crying and mental stress I went through. Then the nausea and vomiting started. During my first pregnancy, I had hyperemesis gravidarium and was sick all 9 months. This time again I had hyperemesis and it was worse. I couldn’t eat anything. A plain omelette for breakfast, some toast and plain rice for lunch and dinner. Somedays I couldn’t even keep rice down. It got so bad, one day I threw up massive amounts of blood and had to rush to the ER. Thankfully it wasn’t anything serious, but the ER doc helped changed my diet and meds which hugely impacted my healing.

During these days my energy was so low, I would fall asleep multiple times a day and just be confined to my bedroom for the entire day. John was my lifeline at this time. He looked after every need of mine and Rachels, managed the entire house and his work. My darling daughter was so sensitive to my situation, she gave me the best cuddles and demanded nothing from me and just let me be. 

But this entire ordeal, reminded me of how challenging and rough my first pregnancy was. And I cried at the thought of having to go through so much for the next few months. I spiraled into depression. I didn’t know how to snap out of it. I couldn’t go for therapy because I couldn’t hold a conversation for more than 15 mins. My OB prescribed low dose anti depression meds which actually helped me.

Slowly my hyperemesis reduced and my mood started to get better. And my body started to heal. I wouldn’t say I am 100% back to normal, but I am able to keep the nausea at bay with a very controlled diet and learnt ways to cope with my depression triggers. And so now, the good days are more than the bad, so I am truly grateful and I choose to celebrate the good.

 

 


2 comments


  • Ann

    Your honesty is so powerful, Amu! Thank you for sharing your good times and the not-so-good times too. Praying that you enjoy your pregnancy.


  • Aishwarya

    Oh, Ammu- your vulnerability and openness to share these experiences in with all of us is truly inspiring and beautiful. Thanks for being a witness to our faith and God’s divine providence. Praying for your beautiful 4th child and Rachel’s siblings in heaven. God heal you completely and give you comfort and peace through this pregnancy and always.


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